Ensign: Make Carson City Pen Into Debtors’ Prison

John Ensign Visits Nevada Debtors PrisonNevada’s other Senator and Chair of the Senate Subcommittee on Cuckoldry and Sexual Harassment, John Ensign, announced the other day, don’t ask me when, that the Nevada State Prison should not be closed. He proposes instead to convert the facility into a debtors’ prison, the first ever in Nevada history.

“Well,” said the Senator, “I just got sick of listening to that Ross Miller kid and poor old [alleged Nevada governor] Jim Gibbons sniping about the closure [of the Nevada State Prison]. Jeez, you know, they sound just like my wife when she gets going on that Hampton thing. Man, it feels like she’s taking a drill to my head.”

Mr. Ensign was referring to a recent meeting of the Board of Prison Commissioners, where Nevada Secretary of State Ross Miller and Nevada Attorney General Catherine Cortez Masto voted against a proposal from Jim Gibbons to close the State Prison in Carson City. (Sun) Gibbons, sources could not confirm, hoped to close all state prisons, including the Carson City facility, in order to make it impossible for anyone to indict and convict him of any crimes, or at least make it impossible to put him behind bars.

“I figured that after I voted against the latest round of unemployment benefits,” the Senator explained, “that I’d better find a place for all the deadbeats and hobos who will lose their homes when their benefits run out. Then I read some stories about how debtor prisons are making a comeback and how other more progressive states were throwing the lazy bums into prison. I believe that we can do that in Nevada, and it will shut up Jimbo and the Miller kid, too. Plus, I don’t look like such an asshole for voting against out of work Nevadans while defending empty abstract, and ultimately false, economic principles. Win, win all the way around.”

“I was the one who came up with the name Heller’s Hobo Haven for the prison,” said Nevada Representative Dean Heller (NV-2). “It’s catchy and full of alliteration. A real winner. My opponent [Nancy Price] probably doesn’t even know what alliteration is.”

“I’m sure she doesn’t, Dean,” Ensign replied. “We might have to drop the Heller part, though. Might send the wrong message.”

“Darn,” said Dean.

“Don’t get me wrong,” the Senator concluded. “I really sympathize with folks who run short of cash. Why if my dad hadn’t come up with that $90,000 to pay off the Hamptons, I don’t know what I would have done.”

Okay, I made some of this up. Less than you might think, though.

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